Brave New World

I have spent the last few months relearning how to be a human again.

 It's almost like I've come out of a coma - only instead of lying in bed for 5 years, I've been wandering the earth in someone else's shell.  This person looks like me, sounds like me, but wasn't me.

There's year one where I lived in a condo alone, for the first time in many years.  I have nearly no recollection of what I did there - aside from a lot of Seinfeld reruns and drinking with Big John.

 I could go on about the following years, but it's  a real drag and it's not all fun.... so I am going to put all that away.  That isn't what this is about. This is about a boy.

I have recently taken to going out again.  It's been fun, I forgot what it's like to have some drinks and some laughs.  I highly recommend going out with your friends, and maybe make some new friends... it really gets you out of a rut.
I have lived a life in the big city where going out has been the answer many times.  Dancing, drinks, laughs... always improves my mood.  I've enjoyed it greatly, but haven't had many experiences where I actually meet men in the real world who are into me.  I had resided myself to the idea that it just wasn't in the cards for me to meet men anywhere other than online.

Now, don't get me wrong... dating etc. online has been very fruitful over the years and I've met some great men who were fun for short period of times.  Single serving boyfriends if you will... we never argue, we never go out, no presents.... sometimes we order in some food and cuddle.... but that is the extent of emotional attachment.  Oh, and there was all the sex too.  All of the interesting, uninhibited sex.  There is something to be said for having sex with men who you don't love... you never worry that you're going to mess up a good thing... so you take chances.  Try interesting things.  I've learned a lot about sex and how boys work.

Unfortunately, I've gotten to the point where it isn't enough.  Somewhere over the years, I've developed an interest in love and affection and it's ruining me for the better.

I've gone a handful of dates in the last year, all of them found online and none of them seem to be of any long term value to me.  I quickly discover that talking online just doesn't get the details you get on a first date.  For example, you don't see the borderline homophobia or lack of maturity as quickly online as a dinner for two hours recently taught me.

I have all but abandoned online in the last two months... as I have met someone (in a bar) who may or may not be into dating me.  I don't know for sure, as it moving at the most glacial pace.  My clues seem to be chivalrous in nature, a coat in the cold, a lighter in the dark, and genuine questions about my life.  It's been nice to talk to someone who's decent and not going through the paces until he gets me into a bedroom.

That being said, it's been 10 minute intervals every 5 days or so.  No phone number exchanges, and no meetings outside of one bar.  

So far, I've enjoyed the does he / doesn't he battle in my head. The times where I see him, but he doesn't approach at all.  Then I assume I've read it wrong... then he asks me what I'm doing on Saturday night...but finding out I've got plans to play risk with my buddies.   I didn't really think about what was happening at the time, but upon reflection - this might have been the move that I missed out on.

 Was he going to ask me to do something?  Cuz who asks someone what they are doing randomly like that when we aren't even established friends. WHO???

I have grown anxious at this point.  I want something to happen.  I don't even know if I like him, as I only get glorified small talk in small bursts.  I need a proper uninterrupted 30 minutes to figure it out.

It;s time to tip it in my favour, only I have no game.

I have no problem navigating the online world and getting to the point after a few emails and texts, but it all eludes me in person.  I don't know how to flirt and not come off like a whore or a lame ass and waiting for him to get to something has proven very frustrating... I know |I'm supposed to enjoy this part of it - but I do not.

It is consuming me.


 

Happy Birthday to Me...

It always amazed me when I witness a hook up in a bar.  I could never phathom going up to someone in a loud, dark bar and manage enough of a conversation to get someone out the door and into your bed.  It has happened to me exactly twice in my lifetime - once in a gay bar and once at an afterhour's bar.  I didn't make any moves at all, as I really have no moves.   I get nervous... can't make eye contact... and dont have a clue on how to make a conversation work.  I forget how to be human. This is why the internet has been perfect for me.  I still get nervous, but I've vetted out the best options by the time we meet. It just works for me - but of course, I aM still single... so how much is it working?

Fast forward to me recent birthday party downtown.  We ended up at Velvet Underground, an atlernative rock waterhole down on the famous Queen Street West of Toronto. It has always proven to be one of the few bars I adore... so how could it not please us|?
We arrive relatively early to find out there is a live band on, and an all ages show as well.  I was heart broken.  No one wants to celebrate their 42nd birthday with 17 year olds.  This caused me to start drinking immediately.  The professor and I mocked the children for our amusement.... and thankfully the band finished up at 11 and the teens cleared out.

I was happy and dancing away to my favourite cure song with a few friends when this man kinda busted in between us and started dancing with me.  I thought it was odd, but didn't really think much about it... a little eye contact but only for a second - I don't want to come off as creepy.  After a little bit, he wanders off.
We immediately dub him my boyfriend after being asked if I did anything at his obvious interest in me.... I didnt think it was obvious - as I have no game.
As the night goes on, I watch my boyfriend get quite happy on drinks and started dancing with three other girls who were at the bar.  They were together, dressed as if they had come from another, classier party, and were my same body type (big girls are fun girls you know).  I figured I'd lost my chance as I didn't get a circle back all night.
I was entertained to see him dancing with my male friends.  Him being 6'4, he stood out against my gang of dancers.
All night, the discussion came back to me doing something about this man, as he wasn't really making any connection with any girls.  I didn't see the point as I was with my friends and what was the end game... or I just wasn't sure he was even interested at all.

Then, our young new friend, all of 23... wanders off.  I watch him cross the dance floor and start talking to my boyfriend.  I was horrified. HORRIFIED> what was he saying? What is happening...

Well, the two of them make their way across the dancefloor towards me... and he sits down with me and introduces himself to me.  His hands were strong and soft... I was delighted.

The small talk was awkward, but he wasn't leaving.  |He sat with me for a bit and told me it was also his birthday party with his boys.  It turned out - we have the same birthday. This information came with his hand placed gently on my thigh.  I didn't acknowledge it based purely on the fact I was afraid anything I said would make it go away.
At this point I should tell you I am a simple girl.  I just want a man to make me feel sexy.  You'd think it happens with all men who are kissing or making out with you, but you'd be wrong.

That hand on my thigh gave me more pleasure than at least 6 of my previous lovers.  I just had no idea on how to make him my lover.

He leans his head in close and whispers something about me being sexy... i can't remember the words, only his warm breath hitting my ears and my legs melting into my shoes.
 My friends leave, asking me to go with... I say I'm just going to stay and |I'll catch up with them later.

I manage to ask him what's next....and the birthday boy has decided to take me home with him.  I'm a little hesitant... you know the whole rape culture thing.  I decide that since his place is around the corner from mine - I can manage it okay.

We arrive at his apartment and this is when I find out there is some guy who is going to be staying on the couch. I am not happy. A little freaked out.  While I hide all my stuff in my coat in the bedroom, I can hear the  couch surfer calling his buddy a stud for picking me up.  I laugh, as I realize they are just guys and it hasn't even occured to them how this might be terrifying to a single girl.

I wont devulge too much of what went on from here.. aside from my trips to the bathroom wearing only my coat, as I couldn't find enough clothes in the dark.  Peeing in nothing but a winter coat is an experience I recommend. Its hilarious and warm all at the same time. 

Otherwise, he had a passion for me and my body that I havent experienced in a long long time. Probably not since SpaderCam.  When I was little and watched the couple in the movies having sex, I thought it was all passion all the time... then I grew up and found out that isn't how it goes even half the time. So, you can imagine my delight at this birthday surprise.


I will say that this could be the beginning of  something good. Fingers crossed.

Desperately Seeking Me

I find myself unable to sleep and thoughts wandered to this abandoned mess of a blog.  I haven`t even thought about writing a post in a terribly long period of time.  A lot of major life events occurred and I just lost the urge to write meaningless entries to a blog that no one obviously reads.

The dating scene remains sporatic at best.  I recently, upped the anti and have tried to go on real dates.  My first venture had great promise. He had a career, a dog, and great converstions across several medians with me.... Email, texting, all good and even funny at times. He`s 44 though, so a year or two older than me... not my preferred choice; but I`m trying to be a good woman here... so I don`t judge.
He was an excellent choice for a boyfriend in my mind, until 10-15 minutes into our dinner date.  After that, it was another two hours before I could escape this heinous farce for two. He even got home after said date and texted me `How was your date`... clever but two little too late. The damage was done... I knew I could do better. It`s a big change in that I probably wouldn`t have realized that  in the past.  (Growing emotionally is probably the worst thing about growing upslashold - only old people will get that)
He;s a phobe, slightly racist, and probably the trashiest idiot I have had the displeasure to spend time with in a long long time. 
Add in his love affair with video games and smoking weed - and there is just nothing there for me.  Nothing.

So, I haven`t given up on legitimate dating, but I have fallen back into old habits. This habit being the italian from Burlington, Frankie.  It made me laugh to read a post i had written about him where I had written him off... based on our argument in the street regarding fire hydrants... Obviously, he was long ago forgiven... and has also improved in several areas. I no longer think of him as a loser idiot nor a bad lover - in fact, I am rather fond of our visits.  The most recent being a hotel room in Niagara Falls - complete with fuzzy housecoats and room service.  It was fun - but of course - we`ll never marry ... This I am most sure of.

I don`t know why I`ve chosen today to return after nearly 5 years... but I``m back and we`ll see where it takes me

2010: The Year to Create Destiny....

I have really wasted my time on this earth. I think about all the things I could have done differently... well not all of them... that is millions of choices. I do think about times where I could have chosen a different path for myself. Most of these involved boys or men, well mostly boys to be honest. Now, I am not completely driven by my sex-ness.. there are other times I think of the other paths I could have chosen... but this is not the place for those.

I find myself thinking back to those times - those times when I could have kissed a boy... or let him kiss me... I think back now to the times where I was too shy, to afraid to even acknowledge that is what i wanted... or just too stupid to realize that there was a moment... and I pretended not to see, hear or feel it.

Of course, fate-believers will tell you that everything happens for a reason... and these boys were not the right ones. I don't know that to be true. If it were fate, these boys wouldn't all be married, or in long term relationships, or wouldn't be crack heads.... would they? Fate would be cruel to show me all that I could have had.... by allowing me to see these men, now boys... now.

Wouldn't fate let them be dreams of the past, moulding me for the big one? Instead of slowly making me a cynic?

I will be 37 years old next week... and I don't think I have ever been in love. I don't even recall anyone every saying that they were in love with me. What kinda sad state of affairs are they ?that?

What is it that I am doing wrong? It must be something...

Will 37 be the year I change and become what it is that people want?

Breaking UP is hard to do...

It has finally happened. I have finally been broken up with ... proper. I am nearly 37 years old and have never heard the words... " I think we had fun, and have have good life.. but it's over". Of course, I know this was how it was going to go.... since I broke up with him 3 weeks ago.

Firstly, I should start with stating that this wasn't a relationship. We were exclusively having sex for a 9 month period. He didn't feel he was ready for a relationship... he just wanted all the perks. I knew it was going to end as soon as we decided to be exclusive and a couple, but not a real couple. This was his decision. Suddenly everything he did made me annoyed, crazy, bored, angry. I started to hate all the time we spent together awake, unless we were having sex or blind drunk. It was obvious that I had ignored his flaws, thinking this was going to be something of value.

When I could not bear to go back again- he lived in Hamilton, and I - Toronto... the commute got to me... and for what? To be annoyed? The sex just wasn't the same when he said he wasn't ready for a real relationship...

So, I just didn't talk to him after my last visit. Just waited and saw what happened, truly hoping that he would just go away.
It was good for almost two weeks, then text messages, emails etc going on. I was vague aloof, until he asked why was I so mad with him.

I told him, we are different and he wasn't willing to change his life at all for me, even when i was there in his apartment, he would suddenly need to go out to take pictures, or play with computer software and pictures. I get that he is an avid photographer.. .but what was I supposed to do for hours on my own? No cable, no internet.... nothing.

I explained it and left it at that. He didn't seem to understand as he emailed me still, sent me text messages....

Then it finally came.... the " have a nice life" speech. And of course, he erased me from Facebook too. Some people are just children. We weren't dating, so this could have been more amicable.

He totally deluded himself... he was in a relationship, and his breakup post our breakup is proof.

At least I don't have to worry about him hanging around now.

YAY!!